3 Big Questions to Ask Your Aging Parents

One of the toughest things to go through as an adult is helping your parents as they get older. The elephant in the room is that life is finite, and both you and your parents might be reluctant to talk about what type of support they might need as they get older. But as difficult as these conversations can be, it’s important to make time for them. Eldercare attorney Harry Margolis recommends age 75 as the best time to start talking to your parents about finances and caregiving issues.

If you and your parents, like many others, haven’t started that conversation, there’s no time like the present. From my personal experience as well as discussions with aging experts, here’s what I suggest adult children talk with their parents about and how to help them. I’ve included insights on these topics from several guests on episodes of Morningstar’s The Long View podcast.

1. How Healthy Are Your Finances?

“If I had to do it all over again, I would have had conversations with [my mom] sooner about her finances,” author and journalist Cameron Huddleston told us on The Long View.

Our parents don’t want to be a burden, and it may seem like everything is fine, but appearances can be deceiving. Gently ask how they’re managing their bills: Are they paying on time, do they have enough money?

Then keep going with questions about income. Are they getting distributions from retirement funds or relying on Social Security and a pension? Do they have investments? They may not want to share all the paperwork, but you can ask them to put it someplace safe for you to access in case of emergency.

What you can do:

• If the logistics are hard for your parents or they’re paying bills late, ask them about setting up autopay. Along with that, they’ll need account alerts and regular reviews to avoid errors or fraud.
• See if their utility companies can add you as an authorized or emergency contact, so you get notified if they miss a payment or are in danger of shut-off.
• If they have a lot of accounts to keep track of, help them streamline if possible. “We simplified our finances down just basically into one bank account and one credit card,” Sally Balch Hurme, an elder law attorney and author, told us on The Long View.
• If you’ve noticed changes that may suggest they’re experiencing cognitive decline, encourage your parents to have a conversation with a healthcare provider.
• Discuss with them who they want to be their durable power of attorney to manage and protect their assets. If your parents want the person with power of attorney to be able to access their bank accounts to write checks or transfer assets, that will require additional permissions with the bank, which can take a lot of time and persistence.
• If money is tight, help your parents get in touch with organizations such as local senior services or departments on aging. They could help with meals, transportation, or money management.
• Depending on circumstances, you may be able to help them apply for Medicaid. The rules on eligibility vary by state, and there are asset limits and “look-back” restrictions. It’s a complicated process that often requires an attorney.

2. Do You Have End-of-Life Plans and Documents?

It’s hard to talk about such grim topics, but it’s better not to wait until there’s a medical crisis.

“If you die without a will, state law is going to determine who gets your assets. … [Or] family members get into fighting over who gets what,” Huddleston says.

That’s why a will and a durable power of attorney are important. Even if there’s a will, though, beneficiary designations on various accounts can override it. If those are out of date, money could go to a place the parent didn’t ultimately intend.

Don’t overlook a healthcare power of attorney (aka healthcare surrogate or healthcare proxy), which is someone who can make medical decisions if your parent can’t. An advance directive (often called a living will) specifies what sort of end-of-life care they want. Then “family knows what your wishes are so they don’t end up in court fighting over whether to keep you on life support,” Huddleston says.

And finally, ask about your parents’ wishes for a burial, cremation, or memorial service, and whether they may have already bought a cemetery plot.

What you can do:

• Huddleston’s recommendation: “Encourage them to meet with an estate planning attorney or an elder-law attorney as soon as possible. And if your parents don’t have the resources to pay for an attorney, perhaps you can offer paying for them as a gift.”
• Help them review beneficiary designations on IRAs, life insurance policies, and bank accounts, especially if there’s been a death, divorce, or remarriage.
• If your loved one has already completed these documents, make sure you know where they are.

Here’s what this all boils down to, attorney Hurme says, “Your family really can’t carry out your wishes if they don’t know what they are. They want to do the right thing. So don’t make them guess about it.”

3. Is Your Home Still Safe and Comfortable for You?

A 2024 survey from AARP shows that the majority of older adults want to stay in their homes as long as possible. As people age, though, it can be difficult, especially if they’re far from the rest of the family. The issue of where to live is particularly emotional, but it’s best to be honest and realistic. Can your parents still climb the stairs? Can they safely maintain a big yard? Let them know there are benefits for both of you: They could help you by handling the occasional school pickup, and they might get a health boost from interacting with grandkids.

What you can do:

• Explore whether your parents can stay in their home with adjustments: bedroom on the first floor, grab bars in the bathroom, video doorbell, wearable medical alert device like a watch or pendant, or a TV-based video calling system that family members can control from their phones.
• Help them find someone to assist with meals, laundry, errands, and so on. If your parents have a long-term care insurance policy, check whether it covers some of these services. Vet these service providers carefully and check in on your parents even if you’re not giving hands-on help. Your attention and vigilance could protect them from exploitation.
• If staying home isn’t in the cards for them anymore, look into home-sharing or an accessory dwelling unit that can offer both independence and proximity to younger relatives.
• Explore continuing care retirement communities. With CCRCs, also known as life plan communities, people go in healthy and live independently, with “Someone to always rely on no matter what.” That’s the take from Joy Loverde, an author, speaker, and family caregiver who talked to us on The Long View. Fees and operators’ financial stability vary, so if your parents opt for a CCRC, make sure to do your research.
• Look into assisted living. “There are assisted living communities that are excellent,” Loverde says. “And they also have therapists, and they have spiritual programs, and they have a family environment.” And again, a long-term care insurance policy can help with those expenses. Arrange to tour a facility with your parents so they can see how the residents are taken care of, the activities, and the food.
• If you meet a brick wall and they just won’t talk about living elsewhere, then get to know their neighbors and exchange phone numbers. In an emergency, they could check on your folks.

Your loved ones may not be open to these tricky conversations the first time around, but raise the issue gently again, making sure they know how much you care.

Valentina Djeljosevic contributed to this article.